Your face is a jimmy john
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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