Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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