Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
