ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
