I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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