Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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