Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
