Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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