Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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