i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
