how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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