fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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