I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
