Can i not drive my cunt home
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
