You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
