I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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