I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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