mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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