I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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