Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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