That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
