My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
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There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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