her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
