Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
