I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
