i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
