I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
