yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
