I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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