his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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