i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
