Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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