Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
