I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
