When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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