barbara walters just said penis...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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