i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
