tell your sister to shave her snatch
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
