it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
