He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
