I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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