After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
