You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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