She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
