My hand turned me down
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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