You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
