Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
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How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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