Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
