a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
