My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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