the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I love you. Go after that dick
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
