party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
