oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
