what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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