Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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