Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
