I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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