He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
